


when I die young

by Pomfry



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Goatdad was a really bad lusus I'm just saying, Maybe. I don't know honestly, bitter gamzee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2019-02-06 13:41:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12818757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pomfry/pseuds/Pomfry
Summary: Gamzee is a one sweep old when his dad disappears for the first time.His pants are still just a bit too long and he trips over them as he runs outside, practically giggling with excitement, because he managed to get his makeup on him and he is soproudof himself that he wants Goatdad to see it.When he gets to the beach, to the shore, though, his lusus is gone.





	when I die young

**Author's Note:**

> Formatting like a fucking pro.
> 
> Buuuut this was a request from my 500 follower celebration, and the ask goes as follows:
> 
> You want some angst? How about a moirail fic about Gamzee and Karkat? Maybe after the fallout of Gamzee murdering everyone. Or pre-game when Gamzee’s lusus abandoned him all the time
> 
> I hope I delivered.

Gamzee is a one sweep old when his dad disappears for the first time.

His pants are still just a bit too long and he trips over them as he runs outside, practically giggling with excitement, because he managed to get his makeup on him and he is _so proud_ of himself that he wants Goatdad to see it.

When he gets to the beach, to the shore, though, his lusus is gone.

Gamzee frowns, tugging at his hair in confusion and biting at his lips until they bleed purple, because where is his dad?

Gamzee may only be one sweep old, but he knows, deep in his stomach, that lusii aren't supposed to leave their trolls.

Maybe...Maybe he just swam a bit further down the coast? It wouldn't be unusual, not really; it's just that Goatdad tends to take Gamzee with him.

So Gamzee sits on the sand, and waits, playing in the water sometimes when he's bored.

Goatdad doesn't come back that day. Or the next.

Gamzee has nightmares because he refuses to go to his recuperacoon, refuses to see his dad's return home.

Gamzee almost starves, and when Goatdad returns home, he snuffs at him, tells him to eat, and go sleep.

 

\--

 

Gamzee is one and a half sweeps old, and Goatdad is gone again.

Gamzee stares at the empty water, feeling that strange emotion well up in his chest, and Gamzee heads back to his hive to eat.

So what if Gamzee’s dad doesn't want to take care of him?

Gamzee can take the schoolfeeds by himself, and he can take care of himself.

He slams the door shut behind him.

 

\--

 

Gamzee is two sweeps old when he learns of the Mirthful Messiahs, and he learns it not from his absentee lusus, but from the husktop he received when Goatdad came back one day.

His gut _screams_ that's wrong, but then again everything's wrong nowadays.

It makes sense. It really, _really_ does, actually, and Gamzee stops doing that stupid purple and mutant red on his eyes and lips and starts putting on whites and grays instead.

When he looks into the mirror, Gamzee doesn't see the troll that waits by the ocean for his lusus. He sees a troll who's powerful and respected and not lonely.

“Motherfuckin’ miracles.”

 

\--

 

Gamzee runs out of food one day while Goatdad is gone. He's only two sweeps old, barely old enough to type on his husktop, barely old enough to know what to eat except for what Goatdad always feeds him.

When he gets hungry enough, he climbs into his recuperacoon and falls asleep, hoping to the Messiahs that when he wakes up Goatdad will be there with food.

He isn't, but when Gamzee wakes up, he gasps in since sopor slime, and it tastes kinda weird, but it's not terrible.

But he knows that you're not supposed to eat sopor slime, so he goes out to the ocean and catches some fish. They're pitifully small, but Gamzee eats them anyway, blood running down his lips and ruining his make up.

He spits out the bones and goes back inside.

 

\--

 

Gamzee is three sweeps old when he gets Trollian.

He knows that, since he is a highblood, he will be bloodthirsty, that he will scare other Trolls, but he's so _achingly_ lonely, that he sets his name to terminallyCapricious and selects the first name he sees.

It turns out to be carcinoGeneticist.

terminallyCapricious [TC]  began trolling  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TC: WhAt’S uP, mY fInE tRoLl BrOtHeR?

CG: HOLY FUCKING SHIT. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?

TC: CaN’t A bRotHeR jUsT tAlK tO sOmEoNe?

A beat.

CG: I GUESS SO.

Gamzee smiles and carefully ignores the thirst in the back of his throat.

 

\--

 

Gamzee is still three sweeps old when carcinoGeneticist - Karkat, he tells himself - introduces him to twinArmageddons, who makes Gamzee laugh.

It's the first time in days that he laughed.

He's slowly introduced to everyone, and he learns they all have wonderful lusii - except for maybe Feferi and Vriska - and it makes something him taste something sour.

Why the fuck should they have lusii who care for them and don't leave them, why the _fuck_ should they-

A ding.

carcinoGeneticist [CG]  began trolling  terminallyCapricious [TC]

CG: GAMZEE? YOU OKAY? YOU'VE BEEN QUIET FOR TWO HOURS.

Gamzee smiles, because at least someone cares for him.

TC: AlL iS fInE mY bRoThEr.

CG: DON'T FUCKING WORRY ME LIKE THAT, YOU FUCKWIT.

Gamzee can't help but laugh and laugh and laugh at that. A troll no older than he is being a better lusus to him than his own motherfuckin’ lusus.

What irony.

TC: I wIlL tRy NoT tO mY mIrAcUlOuS bRoThEr. ArE yOu OkAy?

CG: YEAH, CRABDAD IS JUST BEING ANNOYING AS FUCK.

Something blossoms in Gamzee's chest, and it takes a moment for him to put a label on it.

Moirallegiance, as young and clueless as they are, but it's _there,_ it's proof that sometroll cares.

Gamzee sniffs as purple tinted tears start to fall onto his pants.

At least one troll cares.

 

\--

 

 _Tavros is the best motherfuckin’ friend a troll could have,_ Gamzee decides one night, and then promptly changes that to _friend that is not his pale crush._

Tavros is… Nice. He doesn't make fun of Gamzee for his talk of his Messiahs, nor does he tell him to shut up.

Tavros is just nice.

Then Vriska makes him fall off a cliff, and Gamzee's motherfuckin’ ready to go beat her to death, ready to have blue blood on his skin and club and clothes because _she hurt his friend._

terminallyCapricious [TC]  began trolling  arachnidsGrip [AG]

TC: YoU’rE mOtHeRfUcKiN’ lUcKy tHat TaVbRo AsKeD mE nOt To KiLl yOu, BiTcH.

AG: Ooooooooh my gooooooood, he's got you in on it too. ::::/

Gamzee digs his nails into his palms. Vriska is going to motherfuckin’ _die_ one day, going to die at his motherfuckin’ hands, but for now -

TC: WhAtCh yOuR mOtHeRfUcKiN' bAcK, bItCh

She goes silent before blocking him.

Gamzee sits back in his chair with a worrying glint in his eyes, and grins with purple blood on his teeth and hands, and he wishes that it was blue, the same tint as the one in his screen.

Vriska is going to motherfuckin’ die.

 

\--

 

Gamzee is five sweeps old when he gets told that he's starting to get scary.

Gamzee stares at the brown letters, the ones sent by _Tavros-_

He throws himself into his recuperacoon, and Goatdad hasn't been home in at least half a sweep, so he doesn't have someone to comfort him.

Gamzee takes a deep breath and swallows some slime.

And thus starts his downward spiral.

 

\--

 

Gamzee is six sweeps old when Goatdad comes back.

He can't say he's happy about it, but it's a motherfuckin’ miracle that he's back before the game starts for him.

Purple blood goes flying when his lusus dies, and Gamzee licks his lips and wishes it was blue.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are always loved and brighten up my day and are saved in my Gmail.
> 
> Also! Here's my [Tumblr.](http://nikescaret.tumblr.com) Come visit and chat with me if you want!


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